How to set healthy boundaries
When someone close to you is drinking or using drugs, it can be helpful to set some healthy boundaries. Here's how to do it.
Setting healthy boundaries
We all have limits when it comes to other people’s behaviour.
You may draw the line at being lied to, for example, or being sworn at.
These limits are sometimes called boundaries.
How boundaries help us
When you have healthy boundaries it means everyone knows where they stand.
For example, if you all agree there should be no smoking in your home, everyone is clear and it’s more likely to happen.
Healthy boundaries make our relationships stronger. They also encourage everyone to take responsibility for their own behaviour.
What happens when boundaries are unclear
It can be hard to set healthy boundaries when someone close to you is drinking or using drugs.
We might even fear that setting boundaries may make things worse for them.
However, by protecting people from the consequences of their drinking or drug use we can reduce their awareness of any need for them to change or seek help
Also, in our attempt to try to change the other person's behaviour we can find ourselves making threats we don’t really mean: “If you take drugs in the house again, I’m calling the police.”
The problem is, if you don’t follow through, it sends a message that boundaries are there to be broken.
This can also reduce your loved one’s motivation to change because there are fewer consequences for their drinking or drug use.
How to set boundaries
It can be helpful to view setting boundaries as something for you and your loved one to solve together.
Ask for some time to talk things through. Be honest and direct. Try to stay calm and positive.
See tips for better conversations
Talk about what they want and what you want. Think about what the compromise could be.
Think about the consequences
It’s important that everyone is clear about what the consequences will be if the new boundary is broken.
Some boundaries have their own natural consequences.
For example, if you stop calling in sick for your partner when they have been drinking or using drugs, there will be natural consequences for them to deal with.
But sometimes, there won’t be natural ramifications to a boundary being crossed. For example, your adult child taking drugs in the house when you’ve asked them not to. In these cases, you will need to agree with them what the consequences will be.
Whatever boundaries and consequences you decide on, it’s important you feel confident you can stick to them.
What to do if your loved one won’t talk to you
If your friend or relative doesn’t want to talk, you can set a boundary by saying, it doesn't have to be now, but we’ll have the conversation soon.
If they completely refuse to engage with you, you will have to decide for yourself what your boundaries are.
You could let them know what you decide in a letter.
How to write a letter
If you don't know where to start, try using our templates below:
- Start with how you feel and why you’re writing the letter. "I love you and I want us to stay close."
- Explain where you need some boundaries using “I statements”. "I feel worried when you don’t come home at night."
- Explain what you would like to see change. "From now on, I want you to text me if you’re not coming home."
- Say why this boundary is important to you. "Then I won’t lie awake worrying about you."
- Let your loved one know what the consequence will be if there’s no change. "If you don't text me, I'll have to contact your friends to see if you're OK."
- Suggest how you could take this forward together. "Please can we talk about this after dinner tonight?"
- Start with how you feel and why you’re writing the letter. "I love you and I want our relationship to be stronger."
- Explain where you need some boundaries using “I statements”. "When you’re not open with me about your drinking, I feel like you don’t trust me."
- Explain what you would like to see change. "If I ask about your drinking, please be honest with me."
- Say why this boundary is important to you. "I want to help you and I want our relationship to be based on honesty."
- Let your loved one know what the consequence will be if there’s no change. "If things don't change, I'm not sure there's a future for us."
- Suggest how you could take this forward together. "Please can we make some time to talk tomorrow?"
Get some support
Sticking to boundaries and consequences can be hard.
Try to remember that, by sticking to your boundaries, you are supporting your loved one to make positive change.
Getting some support for yourself will help you keep your boundaries strong.
It may be that you have some fears about risk and safety for yourself or others if you set and maintain boundaries.
All of our services offer support to family and friends of people who are experiencing challenges with drugs or alcohol.
To find out more, contact your local service, or talk to us online.
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